The Day After

We had a meeting just hours before we were to walk across the stage, accept our diplomas, and begin the rest of our lives. They told us when to walk in, where to sit, when to stand and when to sit down. They told us when to stand to our feet, walk across the stage, and shake the hand of the man that handed us a sixty thousand dollar piece of paper (that did NOT come in a bejeweled frame, I might add).

But they did not tell us what to do after.

Some of us knew what we were supposed to do. Some of us knew exactly what to do and where to go when they stepped out into the sunlight that is the rest of our life. And they are currently living their dream.

However for the rest of us, the ones like myself, we are at a loss. You see, no one told us what to do next. No one said there would be several paths laid out in front of you-and you'll have to pick the right one. No one said just how difficult it would be. All the options seem good. All of them seem like the right one. All of them seem do-able.

That's the problem. There are too many choices. Good ones.

No one told me just how hard it would be to pick one. No one told me about the anxiety that would come with making this decision. No one told me that it would consume my waking hours. As I write this, it seems like a dramatic thing to say. But it's the truth.

The good news is I know my life has a purpose. I know that God has led me to this point in my life and He's not going to abandon me to myself now. I also know that God is most definitely NOT going to say when I get to heaven, "Woops, its too bad you didn't chose to be a missionary. You sure wasted your life teaching those children."

I am trying to tell myself that with each passing day that I don't get the job I apply for, it is because God has a greater purpose for me somewhere else. I've heard this verse so much now it's almost a cliche but God promised me a long time ago-

"I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"

Dilemma of a College Graduate

There's a gnawing in my stomach. A sense that all is not right in Rachael's world. Here I am, 24. What have I done with my life thus far? I've graduated from college-that's an accomplishment. My gpa is nothing spectacular. I've held a series of meaningless jobs, with a few exceptions. I have a degree that's really only useful in the church or academic world. I feel...ordinary.

I have filled out what seems to be hundreds of job applications so that I am not a burden on my parents longer than I have to be. Secretary. Administrative Assistant. Law firms. Medical offices. Community Colleges. But I can't shake the feeling that's eating away at my insides. I can't stop thinking about it long enough to fall asleep at night. I'm ordinary. No special skills. No special qualifications. Now I realize that this is slightly pessimistic of me. I realize that someone, somewhere will hire me.

But what if I want to be extraordinary? What if I want a life that's beyond Sherwood, Ar. A life that's bigger than me? What if I want to affect change, make a difference in my world? And then the questions flood my mind, the most blaring...where do I go from here?

Beloved

I've let him go. I wasn't holding on.

Doesn't mean it still doesn't hurt.

All around me-realtionships. love.

whispers...when is it my turn

what do i do?

Then HE whispers in my ear...
You're my beloved
You're my bride
To sing over you is my delight
Come away with me my love

Under my mercy come and wait
Till we are standing face to face
I see no stain on you my child

You're beautiful to me
So beautiful to me

I sing over you my song of peace
Cast all your cares down at my feet
Come and find your rest in me

I'll breathe my life inside of you
I'll bear you up on eagles wings
And hide you in the shadow of my strength
I'll take you to my quiet waters
I'll restore you're soul
Come rest in me and be made whole

You're my beloved
You're my bride
To sing over you is my delight
Come away with me my love

...he took a knee
So I took HIS hand

Life goes on...

Confession: If one more person asks me how it feels to be graduated, I may snap and start saying things like "well now I have lots of time to work on my knife throwing skills" or "It's awesome-now I can finally drink and watch all those R rated movies I've been saving" (which of course is totally untrue)

Truth:
Life after college is more challenging than previously expected. I found a job pretty quickly, which was good. I am saving money on gas by not having to drive an hour to church anymore. The goodbyes were hard but not unbearable. I have a great place to stay while I'm saving money to move in with two incredible girls. I have quite possibly the most amazing group of friends and I have never been more sure of where I am supposed to be.

The challenging part is this: I have been stripped down to my basic self. I have no real worries or immediate concerns. I'm being taken care of. So where does that leave me?

It's just me and God.

And I'll tell you this...He is relentless.

For me, with change there comes grief. A grieving of a past that is past and a future unsure. And as I have been grieving, there has been a tugging. A pull. "Draw closer" he says. And I am desperate. For love. For acceptance. For completeness. For attention. For confidence. All these things, He can give. But it comes at a cost. He wants it ALL. All of the insecurites and uncertainties and the ugliness that I try to conceal. And I want so much to give it to Him. But the problem is letting go of something that I have held onto for most of my life. It's hard learning to trust Him in everything. But I want so much for the wholeness that He brings. I want His love and joy to radiate from the center of who I am. Oh but the letting go is so difficult. More challenging than I ever imagined. But He wants every part. The messy and the broken, the sweet and the rough, the hard and the refined, the disordered and the beautiful.

"You won't relent until you have it all."

The Prayer:
Oh Father, let me lose myself in you. That if anyone wants to find me they have to search for you. Take my ashes and make them beautiful. Take the dark places and illuminate them with your light. Take my disordered and smooth it like silk. Take my sadness and make me eternally joyful. I want to be lost in you.

Ode to the Elliptical

Thud. Thud. Thud. Rubber connects with concrete in rhythmic steps. Sweat pours from the face. Heart pounds. Eyebrows contort in concentration. Push just a little bit harder. One more minute. You've got one more minute. Push harder. Run faster. One more minute. Dont' give up now. Fists clenched, you push through that last barrier holding you down. And not just physically-
Stress

Gone

Frustration

Gone

Feelings of self-worthlessness

Definitely Gone

Ugly.Weak.Fat.Less.Ugly.Boys.Broken.Insecure.Ugly.SelfConscious.SelfHatred.Ugly.

Don't even recognize those words now.

What remains?

Beauty. True beauty. The kind that shines from the core of your being. Skin glows. The heart is at peace. Every stress, every issue-now doesn't seem so big. Every time a boy has EVER made you feel less than the goddess that you are-Erased. You are the princess of the King. Every time you made yourself think that you aren't worth it-gone. The heart is restored.

Iamstrong
Iambeautiful
I. Am. Loved.

Favorite Spring Break Moments

These were my favorite parts of spring break. I cannot wait for my real life to start...

*Sunny afternoon lakeside visits
*Sisters :)
*toothless grins and sidewalk chalk drawings
*discovering an entire world I had no idea exisisted within my own city
*barefeet in the dirty, rocky sand
*Big white house and the hard wooden floors
*Late night talks about favorite scripture
*sweet southern belles (Lynsey!)
*supporting the most awesome worship band ever!
*throwing orange bouncy balls on 190
*sharing cookies in a bed with the sweetest girls i know
*Irrellevant volleyball scores
*Meeting a new friend and liking him inspite of his geographical prejudices and terrible taste in movies :) (with a few exceptions i will admit)
*ZERO homework done
*Peggy's banana pudding ( and I don't even like banana's)
*tanning with Jack Johnson and James Morrison
*eating out for every meal

Trust Me

Father, I don't understand. I want this so much but it seems to be so far away. I need your help. I cannot provide the way on my own? God why do I have to wait? Why can't I see the solution now?

Trust Me

But Father my burdens are heavy. I am troubled by the decisions I have made in the past and I am afraid of the decisions I have to make in the future. There are too many, too soon. I can't see the answers.

Trust Me

But Father how can you use me? I am so sinful and You are so holy. How can anything I do bring glory to Your name?

Trust Me

But I am weak

Trust Me

I can't see the way

Trust Me

It's too much

Trust Me

I can't do this alone

You are NEVER alone. I will provide for your every need. I will guide your every step. All you must do is...

TRUST ME

Mr. Darcy Kind of Love

"I am determined that only the deepest love can induce me into matrimony"~Elizabeth Bennett Pride and Prejudice

I love thriller, action movies. I love the feeling of excitement in the pit of my stomach when it gets to a particularly intense part of the movie. I love the thrill of being scared.

But I am a girl.

And unfortunately, I cannot get away from my inner Jane Austen. As much as I try to deny it, a secret part of my heart longs for a good love story. But do not be deceived-I cannot stand Hollywood's version of love. The popcorn romances that end with the lovers kissing on the street in the middle of traffic while onlookers gawk and cheer. This is not real love. This is cheese. Of the velveeta sorts.

But give me a timeless love story-where the protaganists are flawed, and the circumstances are impossible-and I surrender to the sappier side of myself that basks in it. Give me the love story where the man actually stays through the storms that life throws at him. Give me the love story where every circumstance pushes them farther away and yet they still fight to be togther. The characters are human, they make mistakes. Sometimes they are broken. But they work through every obstacle and they are stronger for it.

Sometimes I say that I don't care about getting married. If it happens, then it happens. However, this is what single people say to make them feel better about their single status in life. I want to say that I can live either way, single or otherwise. But this would be untrue. If I were honest with myself I want real love. I want to be held and loved, and I want to take care of someone. I want to be someone's life long partner. I want to grow old and sit on the back porch with my husband and talk about life. I want to receive daisies and drink hot tea with someone.

I want
true
real
lasting
Jane Austen inspired love.

***********
Love movies worth watching:
Pride Prejudice
Slumdog Millionaire
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Sense and Sensibility


"I love you...most ardently"~Mr. Darcy

"Will you still love me when my skin is old and saggy?" --Daisy
"Will you still love me when I have acne, wet the bed and am afraid of what's under the stairs?"--Benjamin

"I have come with no expectations, only to express, now I am able, that my heart is, and always will be .... yours."

Clementine: You know me, I'm impulsive.
Joel: That's what I love about you.
Joel: I can't see anything that I don't like about you.
Clementine: But you will! But you will. You know, you will think of things. And I'll get bored with you and feel trapped because that's what happens with me.
Joel: Okay.
Clementine: [pauses] Okay.

(one more from Eternal Sunshine)

Clementine: Joely?
Joel: Yeah Tangerine?
Clementine: Am I ugly?
Joel: Uh-uh.
Clementine: When I was a kid, I thought I was. I can't believe I'm crying already. Sometimes I think people don't understand how lonely it is to be a kid, like you don't matter. So, I'm eight, and I have these toys, these dolls. My favorite is this ugly girl doll who I call Clementine, and I keep yelling at her, "You can't be ugly! Be pretty!" It's weird, like if I can transform her, I would magically change, too.
Joel: [kisses Clementine] You're pretty.
Clementine: Joely, don't ever leave me.
Joel: You're pretty... you're pretty... pretty...


" You must know... surely, you must know it was all for you...I will have to tell you: you have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on."~Mr. Darcy

Chapel Thoughts

Singing in chapel on tuesday, I came to a realization about something. As we were singing 'Here I am to Worship,' I began to think about the words of the bridge we were singing.

"I'll never know how much it cost
To see my sin upon on that cross"

It made me curious. It didn't seem like a completely correct statement. I mean, we know the cost- Jesus paid it. The cost of my sin was death. It was dirt mixed with blood from a wound. It was pain and isolation. It was salty tears and buckets of sweat. It was the Father's sacrifice of his beloved, solitary son. It was the love of a Saviour that could not allow any soul to perish because the price was too high.

I also understand that I may never fully comprehend the magnitude of that day. It's possible that the scope of the sacrifice is beyond human words and cognition.

But more than that, I believe that it is simply something I won't ever have to know. Because the price has been paid, I'll never have to know just how high that price really is.

In my years at school, just barely skimming the surface of the depths of information there is on theology and christianity, I have come to know this: As I learn more information about God and His kingdom, and His hand in history, my world becomes impossibly smaller. God is the creator of time and space. He is the vastness of the sky. He paints each sunrise and sunset. He placed each individual star in their own created space. He created every river and every stream. Every mountain and every hill. Every desert and every valley. Every jungle and every wetland. Every blade of grass and every grain of sand. Every rock and tree was crafted in His hands. He created every living being from the blue whale to the tiny hummingbird. And yet the God who placed the stars in the sky cared enough about you and I to send His Son to his death.

For you.
For Me.
So that we wouldn't have to know the cost.