Life goes on...

Confession: If one more person asks me how it feels to be graduated, I may snap and start saying things like "well now I have lots of time to work on my knife throwing skills" or "It's awesome-now I can finally drink and watch all those R rated movies I've been saving" (which of course is totally untrue)

Truth:
Life after college is more challenging than previously expected. I found a job pretty quickly, which was good. I am saving money on gas by not having to drive an hour to church anymore. The goodbyes were hard but not unbearable. I have a great place to stay while I'm saving money to move in with two incredible girls. I have quite possibly the most amazing group of friends and I have never been more sure of where I am supposed to be.

The challenging part is this: I have been stripped down to my basic self. I have no real worries or immediate concerns. I'm being taken care of. So where does that leave me?

It's just me and God.

And I'll tell you this...He is relentless.

For me, with change there comes grief. A grieving of a past that is past and a future unsure. And as I have been grieving, there has been a tugging. A pull. "Draw closer" he says. And I am desperate. For love. For acceptance. For completeness. For attention. For confidence. All these things, He can give. But it comes at a cost. He wants it ALL. All of the insecurites and uncertainties and the ugliness that I try to conceal. And I want so much to give it to Him. But the problem is letting go of something that I have held onto for most of my life. It's hard learning to trust Him in everything. But I want so much for the wholeness that He brings. I want His love and joy to radiate from the center of who I am. Oh but the letting go is so difficult. More challenging than I ever imagined. But He wants every part. The messy and the broken, the sweet and the rough, the hard and the refined, the disordered and the beautiful.

"You won't relent until you have it all."

The Prayer:
Oh Father, let me lose myself in you. That if anyone wants to find me they have to search for you. Take my ashes and make them beautiful. Take the dark places and illuminate them with your light. Take my disordered and smooth it like silk. Take my sadness and make me eternally joyful. I want to be lost in you.