One day at a time

It's a new semester. School is finally winding down. I can see the end in the distance. After this semester just a short 27 hours and then I will graduate. And then there is the future. What will the future look like for me? Will I be in Arkansas? Will I stay in Texas? Will I have the kind of job that I want to have or will I have one that just pays the bills? And I wonder, will I make it? Will I be the person God has created me to be? And when these moments happen, like they did a couple of hours ago I have to remind myself today I can. Today, I can be disciplined. Today I can grow a little bit closer to God. Today I can make healthy choices. It's not hard to do it just for one day. I have to remember that I can conquer my mountains but I have to do it one moment at a time, one step, one day. And at the end of the day I know that I am better than I was the day before.

Back for A While...

First I just want to say thank you to all who commented me on facebook or myspace while i was gone. It means a lot to me that you were thinking of me. And I would also like to apologize to those of you that i never got back to. It was a crazy four weeks. It was also so much fun. I cannot describe to you how much i enjoyed myself. I had no idea what to expect. For those of you who don't know I worked at the North Texas District youth camps this summer. I was on the Rec Crew which is basically a team of people that ran the camp. All of the fun activites, all the games, the service it is all run by the rec crew. If you want to know more I will be happy to talk with you. It's too much to write down. I will say this: as much as i loved my experience at the arkansas camps, north texas camps are so much better. It's absolutely amazing.

I'm starting school in a few weeks. Which means I'm just that much closer to graduating, thank god.
I guess that's all for now. I love you all!

In Case You Were Wondering...

I thought I would give a little update on my life considering that I haven't seen anyone outside of my family in about a week. (With the exception of Micah.) I've been working my butt off at Outback making pretty good money. I'm going to texas this weekend to visit my friends and to see my beautiful friend Katie Arnold become Mrs. Katie Maciel. And I have the most amazing little black dress to wear. I'm so excited I want to wear it everyday.
Anyway that's about it for me. Nothing very exciting.

:)

"All by myself..."

My most recent struggle has had to do with loneliness. For a while now I go through periods of time where I feel lonely. So what did I do? I sought after the wisdom of those above me and I asked them how I could remedy this. And they provided me with insight. They both said the same thing without (as far as I know) consulting each other, which means it can't be wrong. They told me that loneliness is a result of thinking too much about myself. And it got me thinking about being self conscious. To be self-conscious is to feel an undue awareness of oneself, or one's appearance. My loneliness is a result of constantly thinking about the friends that I don't have. So the solution they offered to me was to intentionally encourage other people. If I"m focusing on others then I don't have time to think about myself.

That would be so nice

Changes

I don't like all change. Some changes are good. The changes I've experienced in the past few weeks have been very painful. People that I thought I was good friends with, I realize that I'm not. And all for different reasons. One person just moved on to another group of friends. We still talk and hang out a little bit but, we aren't close like I wanted us to be. It almost feels like rejection. It's not that we don't see each other and we don't ever have time. She just chose a different set of friends. And my other friendship has just withered down to nothing. I'm so sad about it.

Why do things like this happen. Why do some friendships fade and some stay strong? I wish things were different.

What if....

I am amazed at how much a small decision can change the course of a persons life. I made the decision last year that instead of rooming with my current roommate, I was going to live with Courtney. I began to think of what would have been different in my life if I had lived with Lindsey. I would have been in a different dorm. I would have been around a totally different group of people. I would never have been friends with one of my good friends now. I wouldn't be looking for an apartment right now with this girl that I met that lives on my hall. I would've had a totally different semester. I might've seen my good friends Esther once and while.

The choices we make are so important, even the smallest ones.
I wonder what my life would've been like if I had made different choices...
I wonder what kind of person I would be right now...

Freedom from Sin

I am researching for a paper that I have to write. It's about atonement, Christ's sacrifice. Jesus died on the cross and that act atoned for every sin and every wrong. I came across this poem by Elizabeth Barrett Browning. It's about Peter and what he might have felt when he first saw Jesus after the resurrection-after the denials.

The Savior looked on Peter. Ay, no word,
No gesture of reproach: the heavens serene,
Though heavy with armed justice, did no lean
Their thunders that way: the forsaken Lord
Looked only on the traitor. None record

What that look was, none guess; for those who have seen
Wronged lovers loving through a death-pang keen,
Or pale-cheeked martyrs smiling to a sword,
Have missed Jehovah at the judgment-call.
And Peter, from the height of blasphemy—
“I never knew this man”—did quail and fall,
As knowing straight that God, and turn’d free,
And went out speechless from the face of all,
And filled the silence, weeping bitterly.

I think that look on Christ might seem to say,
“Thou Peter! Art thou, then, a common stone
Which I at last must break my heart upon,
For all God’s charge to His high angels may
Guard my foot better? Did I yesterday
Wash thy feet, my beloved, that they should run
Quick to deny me ‘neath the morning sun?
And do thy kisses like the rest betray?
The cock crows coldly, Go and manifest
A late contrition, but no bootless fear;
For they thy final need is dreariest,
Thou shalt not be denied, as I am here:
My voice to God and angels shall attest,
‘Because I know this man, let him be clear’”

"Let him be clear." And the cool part is the same has been said to us. In spite of all the sins that we have committed, Christ looks upon us and says you're free. Let him be clear of all the charges brought against him. His price has already been paid.

The more I learn about Christ
The more I love Him so.

Little Hurt, Big Hurt

This little girl is learning to ride her bike. Her dad lets go of the back of the bike and suddenly she's riding on her own. But she loses focus and falls down. Her knee gets scraped and she starts to cry. Daddy runs up to her and says Are you alright? The little girl shakes her head no. Daddy asks is it a little hurt or a big hurt? Through her tears she replies a little hurt. Daddy picks her up and holds her. Then once she stops crying he says ok, time to try again.

This little girl grows up a little bit. Her mom and dad start having some trouble. They yell and fight all the time. There's no money so they have to move into another house. Mom says dad can't stay in the house anymore. The little girl becomes very sad. One day she has the chance to spend time with her big sister who lives in another state. But the only catch is, she has to tell her dad that she can't stay with him that weekend. So she must choose which person she would rather be with. The little girl is so sad she lays down on the couch next to her mom, her head in mom's lap and begins to cry. Mom scratches her head and says is it a little hurt or a big hurt? A big hurt mommy...

The little girl grows up even more and starts high school. She has really cool friends. Everyone seems to like this girl. But the girl notices that her other friends get noticed more than she does. The boys pay more attention to her best friend. It makes her sad. Why can't she be noticed? What's wrong with her? She's as smart and fun. Maybe she's not pretty. She goes home from school one day and tells her mom. Her mom says that it's ok and that god has someone for her. The girl nods and says I know but it still hurts. Mom asks, little hurt or big hurt? Just a little hurt.

The the girl grows up and goes to college. She's a young woman now. Her mom, dad and sister drop her off. It's a sad moment. Mom cries, she's never seen mom cry before. They leave and she gets settled in. She finds a great church, a great roommate and more great friends. Still no boyfriend but she's slowly learning to let Jesus fill that hole. But she quickly finds out that life as a grown up is very hard. No one tells her how she should spend her money, so she always has none (but she does have a great pair of shoes!) It's hard for her to balance work and church and school work. She becomes isolated from her friends and realizes that she didn't have as many friends as she thought. There is so much hidden pain in her heart. She starts to comsume herself with her thoughts and then gives in to her sin. She feels like if anyone really knew her that they wouldn't like her. How can they if she didn't even like herself

She desperately tries to help herself. but the problem is she doing the same old stuff expecting to get different results. She's a broken mess. And one night, in her room, by herself she remembers a time when her daddy picked her up off the ground and held her while she cried. And then she pictured her heavenly father, and thought maybe he could do the same.

She stared across the room and said Father are you there?
God can you hear me?
It's a big hurt.
Can you hold me till it goes away?
Can you tell me that I'm your beloved creation?
Can you help me remember who I am to you?

My child, I am always with you. Throught the pain and the tears I am there by your side. And when you don't have the strength to walk, I'll carry you. And even if you sin, which you will because your human, you can always come home. So when your ready, we'll get back up. Because it's time to try again.

I'm going to fall flat on my face

I have the most amazing youth group down here in Texas. This next week we are going on a missions trip to New Mexico. The best part is, aside from of course being able to minister and be a light to the lost :) that we are going skiing on Saturday. Now I've never been skiing so I am preparing myself for making a fool out of myself. One of my friends said to me "once you get on the slope you need to-" and I cut her off and said "Slope? Are you kidding?. Flat ground yes, slight hill maybe, but there will be no slope for Rachael." Needless to say I am so excited about spring break.

Yipee!

Summer Came like cinnamon..so sweet

I heard this song the other day called Put Your Records On. and this beautiful line sang in my ear "summer came like cinnamon so sweet, little girls double dutch on the concrete" It was so creative to me. I wish that I could write with that kind of eloquence and imagery. So I figure the only way to get better is to at least try. So that is what this blog is about. I am trying to not isolate myself so much. I am learning how much my father in heaven loves me and that I don't have to be ashamed of who i am. So even if this is not the most eloquent or the most creative blog, it's me.
Eleanor Roosevelt once said "You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do."

I'm trying to do the thing I think that I can't do.

(Cool Song)
Girl put your records on
tell me your favorite song
you go ahead let your hair down
sapphire and faded jeans
i hope you get your dreams
just go ahead let your hair down
Your going to find yourself somewhere, somehow