Trust Me

Father, I don't understand. I want this so much but it seems to be so far away. I need your help. I cannot provide the way on my own? God why do I have to wait? Why can't I see the solution now?

Trust Me

But Father my burdens are heavy. I am troubled by the decisions I have made in the past and I am afraid of the decisions I have to make in the future. There are too many, too soon. I can't see the answers.

Trust Me

But Father how can you use me? I am so sinful and You are so holy. How can anything I do bring glory to Your name?

Trust Me

But I am weak

Trust Me

I can't see the way

Trust Me

It's too much

Trust Me

I can't do this alone

You are NEVER alone. I will provide for your every need. I will guide your every step. All you must do is...

TRUST ME

Mr. Darcy Kind of Love

"I am determined that only the deepest love can induce me into matrimony"~Elizabeth Bennett Pride and Prejudice

I love thriller, action movies. I love the feeling of excitement in the pit of my stomach when it gets to a particularly intense part of the movie. I love the thrill of being scared.

But I am a girl.

And unfortunately, I cannot get away from my inner Jane Austen. As much as I try to deny it, a secret part of my heart longs for a good love story. But do not be deceived-I cannot stand Hollywood's version of love. The popcorn romances that end with the lovers kissing on the street in the middle of traffic while onlookers gawk and cheer. This is not real love. This is cheese. Of the velveeta sorts.

But give me a timeless love story-where the protaganists are flawed, and the circumstances are impossible-and I surrender to the sappier side of myself that basks in it. Give me the love story where the man actually stays through the storms that life throws at him. Give me the love story where every circumstance pushes them farther away and yet they still fight to be togther. The characters are human, they make mistakes. Sometimes they are broken. But they work through every obstacle and they are stronger for it.

Sometimes I say that I don't care about getting married. If it happens, then it happens. However, this is what single people say to make them feel better about their single status in life. I want to say that I can live either way, single or otherwise. But this would be untrue. If I were honest with myself I want real love. I want to be held and loved, and I want to take care of someone. I want to be someone's life long partner. I want to grow old and sit on the back porch with my husband and talk about life. I want to receive daisies and drink hot tea with someone.

I want
true
real
lasting
Jane Austen inspired love.

***********
Love movies worth watching:
Pride Prejudice
Slumdog Millionaire
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Sense and Sensibility


"I love you...most ardently"~Mr. Darcy

"Will you still love me when my skin is old and saggy?" --Daisy
"Will you still love me when I have acne, wet the bed and am afraid of what's under the stairs?"--Benjamin

"I have come with no expectations, only to express, now I am able, that my heart is, and always will be .... yours."

Clementine: You know me, I'm impulsive.
Joel: That's what I love about you.
Joel: I can't see anything that I don't like about you.
Clementine: But you will! But you will. You know, you will think of things. And I'll get bored with you and feel trapped because that's what happens with me.
Joel: Okay.
Clementine: [pauses] Okay.

(one more from Eternal Sunshine)

Clementine: Joely?
Joel: Yeah Tangerine?
Clementine: Am I ugly?
Joel: Uh-uh.
Clementine: When I was a kid, I thought I was. I can't believe I'm crying already. Sometimes I think people don't understand how lonely it is to be a kid, like you don't matter. So, I'm eight, and I have these toys, these dolls. My favorite is this ugly girl doll who I call Clementine, and I keep yelling at her, "You can't be ugly! Be pretty!" It's weird, like if I can transform her, I would magically change, too.
Joel: [kisses Clementine] You're pretty.
Clementine: Joely, don't ever leave me.
Joel: You're pretty... you're pretty... pretty...


" You must know... surely, you must know it was all for you...I will have to tell you: you have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on."~Mr. Darcy

Chapel Thoughts

Singing in chapel on tuesday, I came to a realization about something. As we were singing 'Here I am to Worship,' I began to think about the words of the bridge we were singing.

"I'll never know how much it cost
To see my sin upon on that cross"

It made me curious. It didn't seem like a completely correct statement. I mean, we know the cost- Jesus paid it. The cost of my sin was death. It was dirt mixed with blood from a wound. It was pain and isolation. It was salty tears and buckets of sweat. It was the Father's sacrifice of his beloved, solitary son. It was the love of a Saviour that could not allow any soul to perish because the price was too high.

I also understand that I may never fully comprehend the magnitude of that day. It's possible that the scope of the sacrifice is beyond human words and cognition.

But more than that, I believe that it is simply something I won't ever have to know. Because the price has been paid, I'll never have to know just how high that price really is.

In my years at school, just barely skimming the surface of the depths of information there is on theology and christianity, I have come to know this: As I learn more information about God and His kingdom, and His hand in history, my world becomes impossibly smaller. God is the creator of time and space. He is the vastness of the sky. He paints each sunrise and sunset. He placed each individual star in their own created space. He created every river and every stream. Every mountain and every hill. Every desert and every valley. Every jungle and every wetland. Every blade of grass and every grain of sand. Every rock and tree was crafted in His hands. He created every living being from the blue whale to the tiny hummingbird. And yet the God who placed the stars in the sky cared enough about you and I to send His Son to his death.

For you.
For Me.
So that we wouldn't have to know the cost.

A small light in a darkened room...

What do you want Rachael? How do you want your life to turn out?

I want to graduate college. Not only that, I want to graduate a better student than I started. I want to make A’s in all of my classes. I want to lose 100 pounds. I want to travel to Europe and I want to read as many classic books as I can.

I want to make a difference in the lives of kids and students. I want to tell them that I believe in them when no one else will. I want to affect change in their lives. I want them to feel the love of God through me. I want to tell them they can when everyone else said they couldn’t.

I want to be the person God created me to be. I want to stop getting in my own way. I want my actions to say, “Yes I can do everything I want.” I want this passion to stay as long as I can hold on to it and when it leaves, I want discipline and strength to take over. I want to do the right thing even when it’s uncomfortable. I don’t want to be disappointed with how my life turns out.

A beloved friend once told me when I was worried I would never see the world, to just do it. When I want to see something, just make it happen. Stop complaining about the way things are and make it the way I want them to be. There are many things I can’t control, but I can choose how to live my life. I have many passions and burdens and the only thing that is stopping me is me.

So just do it Rachael. Stop complaining, stop being a hypocrite and just do it. If you want good grades, study and do your homework. If you want to lose weight, exercise and eat right. If you want to go to Europe, buy a plane ticket and go. If you want to love students, love them. If you want a better relationship with God, spend more time with Him. You are on your way. You have been making better choices. But improve daily. Make little adjustments everyday. God will use you. There is a purpose to the desires and burdens. Let yourself be transformed from the inside out.

I am better than I was; but I am nowhere near finished.

“We are all ordinary people. But even an ordinary secretary, or a housewife, or a teenager can within their own small ways turn on a small light in a dark room.”

One day at a time

It's a new semester. School is finally winding down. I can see the end in the distance. After this semester just a short 27 hours and then I will graduate. And then there is the future. What will the future look like for me? Will I be in Arkansas? Will I stay in Texas? Will I have the kind of job that I want to have or will I have one that just pays the bills? And I wonder, will I make it? Will I be the person God has created me to be? And when these moments happen, like they did a couple of hours ago I have to remind myself today I can. Today, I can be disciplined. Today I can grow a little bit closer to God. Today I can make healthy choices. It's not hard to do it just for one day. I have to remember that I can conquer my mountains but I have to do it one moment at a time, one step, one day. And at the end of the day I know that I am better than I was the day before.

Back for A While...

First I just want to say thank you to all who commented me on facebook or myspace while i was gone. It means a lot to me that you were thinking of me. And I would also like to apologize to those of you that i never got back to. It was a crazy four weeks. It was also so much fun. I cannot describe to you how much i enjoyed myself. I had no idea what to expect. For those of you who don't know I worked at the North Texas District youth camps this summer. I was on the Rec Crew which is basically a team of people that ran the camp. All of the fun activites, all the games, the service it is all run by the rec crew. If you want to know more I will be happy to talk with you. It's too much to write down. I will say this: as much as i loved my experience at the arkansas camps, north texas camps are so much better. It's absolutely amazing.

I'm starting school in a few weeks. Which means I'm just that much closer to graduating, thank god.
I guess that's all for now. I love you all!

In Case You Were Wondering...

I thought I would give a little update on my life considering that I haven't seen anyone outside of my family in about a week. (With the exception of Micah.) I've been working my butt off at Outback making pretty good money. I'm going to texas this weekend to visit my friends and to see my beautiful friend Katie Arnold become Mrs. Katie Maciel. And I have the most amazing little black dress to wear. I'm so excited I want to wear it everyday.
Anyway that's about it for me. Nothing very exciting.

:)